


What Are You Afraid Of?

by randomrambler



Series: Who, What, Why, How. [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, It's just a lot of angst y'all, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus after 3x11, Magnus without magic, POV Magnus Bane, Sad Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 18:02:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18596569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomrambler/pseuds/randomrambler
Summary: Sitting in the loft waiting for Alec to return from another long and exhausting day at the Institute, Magnus realizes that a new fear had crawled into his heart and mind when he wasn’t paying attention, and it had been festering and spreading its insidious tendrils throughout his entire being unbeknownst to him.Or, Magnus is confronted with the depths of his helplessness and new fears spring up.





	What Are You Afraid Of?

**Author's Note:**

> This one has been a long time coming, even though I never planned another part to this series when I wrote the first one-shot. I've been desperate to get this out of my head since it leaped in so now you can join me in my flood of angst-driven tears. Welp! 
> 
> Thank you so much for your clicks and your time.

“ _You once asked me what I was afraid of...”_

Magnus remembers that conversation vividly. He remembers holding Alec’s hands in his and softly caressing his face, before making the decision to walk away from him, thinking, in the moment, that nothing could top the pain of letting Alec go. When they got back together, Magnus promised himself that he would stay by Alec through whatever life they could have together, fully acknowledging that there would always be conflicts of interest where his position as High Warlock of Brooklyn and Alec’s role as head of the New York Institute were concerned. He knew that they could face anything together, hand in hand, as long as they still loved each other. That seemed so long ago now. In a remarkably short time, he and Alec had faced an untold evil in the form of Lilith, and now although it had been his choice, given the circumstances,  Magnus found himself frequently regretting trading his magic to his father for the power to stop Lilith’s plans, and save Jace’s life. He didn’t regret saving Jace, but the immense loss that often washed over him in the middle of his now mundane existence could not be shared or explained, even to Alec, the one person he cherished more than anything else in life.

 

That regret was never more profound than in this moment, as Magnus thinks about their encounter with Iris and how close they had come to losing little Madzie, and all because he was helpless and thus, completely useless. In the split second between when he’d rushed into the bedroom where Madzie was supposed to be sleeping peacefully, only to find Iris about to snatch her away, and Alec’s timely arrival to save the day, Magnus had forgotten that he no longer had access to his magic, and was thus rushing headfirst into a dangerous situation with no means of protecting himself or the young warlock. After that things only got worse, as he was kidnapped by Iris after Catarina had whisked Madzie off to an actual warlock who could protect her. Iris’ attempts to sieve out the knowledge of Madzie’s whereabouts from Magnus’ memories may have failed, but it had also brought to the forefront of his mind, all of his lowest and most painful memories. He had meant to place that pain as a barrier to Iris’ search but the downside of keeping the warlock from Madzie was that he also had to focus on that pain with no way to defend himself from the onslaught. It may have worked, but it put him right back in the midst of that darkness, only without the warmth and comfort of his magic to salve the sting this time.

 

Magnus chuckles darkly, “You really are an evil genius aren’t you, Asmodeus,” he says softly.

 

His father must have foreseen this turn of events when he relieved him of his magic. With the benefit of hindsight, Magnus was able to see now how easily he’d fallen into the demon’s trap, blinded by desperation and need, knowing that at any moment Lilith could do something that would lead to a greater loss of life, perhaps even Alec’s. He’d walked right into Asmodeus’ trap not caring about the consequences in the moment because, if he was truly honest with himself, in the back of his mind, he believed there would be a way out of it eventually, and in the meantime, he knew that having Alec next to him mattered more than his magic. Thinking about it now, Magnus realizes that it was never going to be easy or even doable, living as a mundane, carrying the weight of 400 years of knowledge, pain, and loss. He sees now that he cannot possibly expect Alec to act as a replacement for this indescribable loss, even if he knew that Alec would move heaven and earth in the hopes of filling this void. There’s no way he can ask that of him because it was unfair and unkind and before long, it would only breed resentment at his ultimate failure to do so in both of them. Magnus loves Alec too much to watch him act as a crutch for his magical impotence and he would never want to live long enough to see himself grow to hate Alec for not being enough, even if already despised himself for being less than the person Alec had fallen in love with.

 

Sitting in the loft waiting for Alec to return from another long and exhausting day at the Institute, Magnus realizes that a new fear had crawled into his heart and mind when he wasn’t paying attention, and it had been festering and spreading its insidious tendrils throughout his entire being unbeknownst to him. It was the fear of seeing himself become a burden to Alec, the fear of watching himself become less and less in Alec’s eyes, of Alec coming to see him for exactly the helpless and dull mundane he currently was, with nothing to offer but stories of his past glory and delusions of usefulness. Magnus gasps, once it actually sinks in that this is a very real possibility, in his present state. A voice in the back of his mind tries to remind him that Alec loves him for more than his magic and would never look at him with anything less than wonder and utter devotion, but that voice seems to echo from further and further away as his fears get louder and louder with every passing minute. In an attempt to claw back some measure of control, Magnus decides to focus on one goal, with no room for negotiation or reason – getting magic back. The small voice of reason in his mind is screaming at him now, but having embraced this course of action so completely, Magnus doesn’t hear it, or Alec opening the front door of the loft and walking in. He’s so lost in his thoughts that he starts with surprise when Alec’s hand touches his shoulder softly when he reaches the sofa where Magnus is seated.

 

“Alexander, I’m sorry, I completely lost track of time,” Magnus says, quickly putting a broad smile on his face and standing to welcome Alec home with a brief kiss and hug.

 

As he makes to release Alec however, Alec’s arms tighten around him, and he takes a deep breath and whispers that he missed Magnus. At that, Magnus softens and gives in to the hug fully, echoing the sentiment but with his mind still running a thousand miles a second, trying to decide whether or not to involve Alec in the scheme to get his magic back. When Alec finally releases him, he takes his face into his hands, stares up into his hazel eyes and resolves not to bother his boyfriend with yet another problem, especially one that is entirely his own responsibility. He kisses him again, this time deeper, putting all of his love into it, and hoping that Alec can’t feel how badly he wants to keep himself from being a disappointment to him.  

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it to the end and you didn't completely hate it, you're already way better than me. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this and feel free to leave kudos and comments (kudos are especially encouraged).


End file.
